Log in

No account? Create an account

let it out

so I don't really post on here much. I really only seem to go on LJ as a lurker. I will use this blog to vent and as a therapy tool and that's what this entry is. 

So, I haven't been too bothered my Erik's family as there hasn't been a reason and I think I am or were doing a good job of letting go. 

I did have some issues with the sister back in April, because again I just feel she is being an inconsiderate person.

With Erik's birthday approaching this month and mine next month I do wonder if his sister will call him and myself on our birthdays. 
I figure she will call Erik as he is her brother, but with me, I assume if she contacts me at all on my birthday it will merely be an email and this time I don't anticipate a lenghthy "hey it's been a while, how's it going" kind of email. 

Sometimes I feel selfish saying "I'm the only one that tries to get to know them or make an effort to do nice things."
Maybe I'm looking at it all wrong. Maybe they do try, but I just don't think they have. I would say in the past like maybe a year or two or longer they made an effort, but over the past year I would say they have made no effort. 

I realize they none of them are email people so I have ceased emailing them. I would call them, but I feel weird about it. Anytime his mom has called me she keeps the conversation to about a minute and for some reason always calls me while I'm at work. I almost think she does it on purpose because then she knows she won't have to talk to me for long.  When she calls Erik it's always when he is at work and I'm not around. 
I wonder if they would think it odd of me to call them just to see how things are going? Would they be like "oh nice surprise, Maggie called" or would it be like "Weird, Maggie called me today."

I don't know. I think I agonize too much over this and I realize there are people that don't know their in laws either and they are fine with that. 

I realize why I put so much effort into getting to know them and get so upset that I don't have a relationship with them. 
My mom was and is never there for me. I really never had my mom around growing up and I always looked to other women as a mother figure. I had two wonderful ladies in my life growing up that I looked at as second moms and it was good to have them in my life. Of course as time went on I lost contact with those ladies. 

Another thing is I'm an only child and longed to have a sibling. Once I married Erik I got siblings, well sorta. I got them via marriage and I'm sure none of them would call me their sister in law as a matter of fact I know they don't as I've heard a few of them refer to me as "my brother's wife." Which is fine, that's what I am, but I think it would be cool to hear them say "my sister in law"

I envy people whose in-law's embrace them and say "yay! were finally sisters" I envy that these people go shopping together and talk to each other on the phone. 

So what I'm getting at is that I'm trying to have a relationship with Erik's mom that I didn't have with my mom. I'm trying to fill the void of not having siblings with Erik's siblings. 

I know I sound so pathetic. I might as well cry out "why don't you like me? Please, all I want is for you to like me!!"

Because of my past I'm trying to fill that void. I think maybe if some people understood this they might be a little more sympathetic instead of calling me crazy and tell me to go to therapy, but who knows they may still have the same opinion of me.

must let go

 I must let go of being bothered by certain people. I can't make anyone like me. I can't make anyone write me back. 
Letting these feeling bother me on a day to day basis is not healthy and is not enjoyable. 

has it really been months?

yes, it has been months since I last blogged on here. I guess I haven't had much to complain about or I just haven't had the time to rant. Well, I seem to have some time now. 

Well, back in October my brother in law moved in with us. Erik talked him into moving to Arizona. So he moved out here and in with us. He got himself job, which he later got let go. No fault of his own, the company he got a job with didn't need most of their workers anymore. 
Since he has lived here I have managed to go off on him twice because he can be so effing lazy sometimes. The first month he was here he didn't understand the importance of paying for bills and helping me and Erik out. The only time he really does any chores is when we ask him to, other than that he would sit on his ass all day, smoke pot, drink beer and play video games. 
I get so fed up sometimes with him not helping or having to ask for money to help pay some bills. I shouldn't have to ask, he is technically a resident and should be helping out with everything he can. 
There are some days I just want him gone because I want to be alone with Erik. I hate sharing my apartment with his brother. 
I can rarely go on my home computer because his brother's room is where our computer is and that dude is always holed up in there playing video games or the past week it's been watching "Lost" on dvd. 

Well, early in the new year we are taking a trip to Louisiana to visit Erik's fam. I was kind of looking foward to it and not too nervous, but now I'm really nervous and don't want to go AT ALL!! I'm really only going because if I don't Erik won't go and he needs to go. It's important for him to see his family, so I can't tell him "no, I won't go."
I'm still nervous to see his mom as I still don't think she really likes me after the letter I wrote her last year. Also it seems that Erik's sister is going to be around more than I thought she would while we will be there. I assumed that we may only see her once or twice, but from what I can tell it might be more. I'm really NOT looking foward to seeing her or her boyfriend. 
I've decided I really don't like my sis in law and it would be great to never see her again. 
Back in September on my birthday she sent me an email saying "happy birthday" and asking how things are going and then she ended it by saying she planned to call me that night to wish me a happy bday, but she never fucking called. I was actually a bit disappointed. I think it would have been really good on her part if she had called me. It would have redeemed her in some way. She has never emailed me back either. 

About a month ago Erik's brother was talking to the sister and he asked "do you want to talk to Erik?" Apparently she said no, but she would call him the next day. Well, she never called him. It kind of upset Erik. Now Erik feels this awkwardness with his sister and doesn't really want to see her when we visit. 

Apparently we when we go visit Erik's mom has mentioned to him that she would like to do something with me alone. I guess lunch or shopping. I know it is something that needs to be done and it is a big step for her offering to take me out just me and her, but it is going to be so nerve wracking. I would rather Erik be there with me, but I know that it should just be me and the mom in law.

I'm really not looking foward to this visit. I wish I didn't have to go. It is too late now as the plane tickets are paid for. I just want to stay home with my cats. I will miss them so much. 
I just think I'm going to be a nervous wreck the whole time there. I'll probably have a few panic attacks. 
If I didn't have to see the sister I would be totally fine. 

I have come to the realization that my sis in law is a lazy, thoughtless person. I would have said bitch, but I'm not that angry right now. She can't be bothered to say "thank you" or to write anybody back or even return a phone call. I just don't get people like that. I know people get busy, but so busy you can't write someone an email or call and talk for two minutes? Please! No one is that busy. She is just too lazy and has no regard for anyone else's feelings. I wonder if she is aware of the things she does and how it affects people. 

I should just remember what my cousin says "you married Erik, not his family" True, but I still want these people to like me or at least I would like to feel comfortable being around these people, but I can't when they are the way they are.

big mouth strikes again

last friday Erik and I met up with Mary for dinner at Sahara. At one point I got up to go to the bathroom and apparently while I was gone Mary made one of her rude comments, that apparently I don't think she is aware of that she does. 

The conversation was regarding Erik's step dad and how he came from a poor upbringing to starting his own business and now he is very well off. Mary then remarks to Erik "why have you and your brother not done anything with yourselves?"

Whoa!! WTF?! This is not the first time Mary has made a shitty comment like this. I've witnessed her make an ass out of her self numerous times and I don't think she realizes she makes such offensive comments. I know she likes Erik so that is why for her to make this comment is appalling. 

I honestly think that in Mary's opinion that just because Erik and his brother don't have college degrees and one works an office job and the other works for the step dad's company that they have not done anything with their lives. 

I don't have a fucking college degree and work an office job. Plenty of people are like that and it doesn't matter. There is nothing wrong or shameful about not having a college degree or working an office job. To me that is not how success is measured. 

Success to me is measured how happy you are in life. Sure it would be swell to have a college degree, but I'm happy with how things are in my life. I don't need my best friend implying she is ashamed of me or my husband.

I'm really upset with Mary and I wrote her an email stating such. I also gave her other examples in the past month how she has offended people or made rude comments. Her response to me was that I need to call and talk to her. She will not respond to an email. She also said she is hurt. Well the truth fucking hurts!
I suppose I wouldn't like it either if someone told me that I put my foot in my mouth most of the time. (which btw I did not say those words to her).

Clearly no one has ever told her that she says things that are inapproriate or hurtful. I finally have and now she is mad. 
I'm so pissed. I don't want to call her and discuss anything. I know I need to, but I'm not going to tonight. Gilmore Girls is on and that is priority. eh, aren't my priorities screwy?

it's been a while

I realized that it has been a long time since I have last posted on LJ.
well as of three weeks ago Erik and I got married. The wedding was very wonderful. It was a total blur. Erik and I were to concerned with everyone having a good time and getting enough food that we barely ate or had anything to drink. People did dance at the reception and I was very pleased. 
I feel bad that I didn't get to visit with everyone the way I should have. I was just all over the place that day. I'm sure people understand, but still I felt like I should have spent more time visiting with people that came a long way. 

For our honeymoon we went to Tennessee. It was so much fun! We flew into Nashville, rented a car and hung out in Nashville for the night. The next day we drove to the Pigeon Forge/Gatlinburg area. There we stayed in this lovely cabin in the woods. It was two stories, had a hot tub outside on the patio, a hot tub in the bedroom and all the amenities of home. We went to Dollywood, which is Dolly Parton's theme park. For probably the past 5 years I have wanted to go to her theme park. It was a lot of fun. We were there for at least 8 hours and didn't see everything. 
Eastern TN is a very beautiful part of the country, but Pigeon Forge and Gatlinburg are very overrun with mini golf, airbrush t-shirts (which by the way I haven't seen since close to 15 years ago at Metro Center Mall), funnel cakes and pancake houses. It's like the towns have been turned into a state fair or a hillbilly Vegas. It's too bad because it takes away from the true beauty of the Smokies. 

After spending two days in Pigeon Forge we drove back to Nashville and went to the Country Music Hall Of Fame. It was pretty interesting to see the evolution of country music. It's too bad they give space to those fake country artists. 

On Friday we drove to Memphis. This city was the true highlight of the entire trip. We arrived at the bed and breakfast called Talbot Heirs which is located right in downtown. It's run by this wonderful couple who are very friendly and helpful. This B&B was great. It has all the amenities of home. They even stock the kitchen with beverages and snacks. After checking in we drove over to Graceland which we didn't even tour because it is kind of pricey, but mainly there were tons of people waiting to take the tour and we aren't big enough Elvis fans to wait. We then were off to Sun Studios. This tour was so awesome. We stood in the same room that Jerry Lee Lewis, Johnny Cash, Elvis and others had recorded. It was really inspiring. 
After the tour we ate at a place called Sweet Polly's. This place had THE best food!! Excellent catfish, fried green tomatoes and mashed potatoes with chunks of tomato. This food was so delicious. I wish I could have some right now. 
Also eveywhere you go you can get sweet tea, which I love. The only places in Phoenix to get sweet tea is Waffle House, Cracker Barrel and Jason's Deli and it's because those places are based in the south. 

On Saturday we headed back to Nashville. We stopped in Hurricane Mills where Loretta Lynn has a restaurant and a ranch. We stopped at the restaurant, which was not very good. There was also a gift shop with lots of tacky, overpriced crap. 

Sunday we were home to Phoenix. It was good to come home only to see the kitties other than that we wanted to stay in TN. We love Memphis and would like to move there someday. 
I just love the hospitality and friendliness of the south and TN is such a beautiful place. Plus I can always get fried green tomatoes and sweet tea!

killing time, bored at work

this past weekend Erik and I dropped off my ring at the jeweler so they can place it into my wedding band. I can't wait to get it back to see how it will look. We also exchanged Erik's ring for a smaller size so it would fit snuggly, but now it may be too snug. 
Tomorrow morning before work I'm going to drop my dress off at the seamstress.
Sunday, the 11th is my bridal shower. I'm looking foward to it. I hope they didn't plan to many silly games. I hate games. I hate bridal showers and baby showers that have games. They all suck. 
Well, if there is booze at the shower then the games will probably be fun. Anything is fun when you're buzzed and/or drunk. 

Today I finally figured out what I'm giving my bridesmaids for thank you gifts. I'm going to buy them all cute tote bags and fill them with things they like and some things that they could probably use. 

I have an idea for Erik's groomsmen, but with two of them living out of town they wouldn't be able to take their gifts on the plane with them and if they did the gifts would certainly break and be useless, so we'll probably just go with flasks. 
I had thought about giving my future sister in laws each a little something. Perhaps doing the same thing for them as my bridesmaids, but I don't know. I just want to do something nice for my two future sis in laws so they know I'm excited about have "sisters."

I'm so tired right now. Erik and I plan to work out this evening, but my lower back is bothering me and I feel so exhausted right now. I really want to work out as we haven't worked out in almost 2 weeks, but all I feel like doing is going home, eating a little dinner and relaxing. ugh!

little missy pissy

well I'm not exactly pissed, but frustrated. At my job at the end of every month I have to do billing. It is a very monotonous task and takes at least a day and a half. Now if I had some fucking help it could probably get done in half a day. The lady I work with never helps with it and it gets aggravating. I suppose she looks at billing as not being her task, but come on! Billing is at least a two person job. Every time the end of the month rolls around I am so busy. Sometimes I have to stop doing billing to do other things and then go right back to billing while she sits there and plays on the internet. I just don't think it's fair. 
I don't necessarily want to tattle on her because I do like her, but it sucks that all of this goes unnoticed by the boss. I just think if he saw it perhaps he would say something or at least realize that I do a lot around here and a raise is well deserved.
Well I suppose next month I'll get to stick it to her as I'm getting married at the end of the month and will be taking a day off so I can't very well do billing. 
Ah! but I know her, she will ask me to do billing earlier in the week or she leave it until I get back and billing will just go out later than usual. I can totally see that happening. I bet she won't do it. 

I really need to ask about leaving early one day this week or early next week. I need to get my wedding dress altered and the place that has been recommened as being good is closed on weekends. I can always come in at 7:30 and leave at 3:45. I would still be working a full day. I'm sure it's not a problem, but I just hate asking for time off around here. They always make you feel guilty about it. I dread when I have to ask for time off for the honeymoon, but more than that I dread when I have to ask for more time off because Erik wants to go to Louisiana to visit. I know by that point we will probably have taken our honeymoon and that will be a week, I just don't know if it's going to be ok for me to take more time off. If I'm allowed to get time off I certainly won't be getting paid and that sucks.

Valentine's Day

I just started using LJ late last week so I'm kind of catching up on my blogging. 
This past Valentine's was one of the best I ever had. 
In the morning Erik and I exchanged cards and a few gifts. Erik got me a beautiful card and two rabbit figurines dressed in victorian clothes. One rabbit is a guy and the other a girl. He said it represents us. I love the figurines. I think they are adorable. 
I gave him a card, a glass bowl with roses around it and filled it with chocolates, a fake, tiny potted plant to keep on his desk at work, a teddy bear (which was later named "Mitchum") and I made a coupon book for various things like a back rub, a free dinner, free bowling...
For dinner we went to one of our favorite restaraunts, Tandoori Times. This place is excellent. The best Middle Eastern food in town. They have delicious naan. We got a bottle of wine with dinner. It was a wonderful time.
This is the first Valentines ever that the guy made the dinner reservations. Usually it's me making reservations or me and the guy try our luck getting in to a packed restaurant.

my ass hurts and I'm bored

I'm at work and I'm bored. I work in a tire shop and the winters are always slow. I've been sitting on my ass all day as I do everyday. My ass and thighs hurt after a while and they get fatter as I sit on them 5 days a week for 8 hours. This is how I've gained all this weight. 
I'm eating vanilla yogurt with rice krispies and waiting for 4:30 to roll around so I can go home, cuddle with Erik and watch Gilmore Girls.